Anti Is Here.

I keep changing.

I used to be sorry, but now I am unapologetic. September changed everything, but the outbreak was in June. Summertime was garbage, and that seemed to be a predictor for the madness to come.

I can appreciate the growth that I received out of it all though. It feels good to finally start understanding myself.

I have another, more constricted blog, but I don't wish to get rid of this one. I tried, and restored it almost instantly. I wasn't sure what use I could make of this thing, but suddenly I think it's hit me.

This is where my emotions will come to run wild. I find that keeping composure all of the time is far more exhausting than just being nonstop crazy.

And, I think I've got some gems on here. I can't just take my old emotions for granted. Obviously they must mean something. At the least, I recognize that where I was a year ago was so instrumental in getting me to where I am now.

I think that this is all that I can come up with for now. But if you still read this thing, hopefully you'll find amusement from the unorganized flurries to come.

You can check out my more developed blog if you like. Just ask.

Perspectives.

Pinkish skies, and not a scribble in sight.

Just my thoughts & I, to contemplate a new day. 

Observe & I observe, and a it's a little bit more of the universe I deconstruct; piece by piece, brick by intricate brick. 

Breaths are low, but spirits may rise. 

The picture of the sun, goodbye to the moon, and oh the sweet sound of tides. 

It's all beginning now. 

As the birds wind down, and my breaths speed up, so do the contraptions that I so desperately dream to escape from. 

But I adore it: the revving, the hustle, the picture on a new paper finally takes form. 

And the sun creeps higher, spirits you can only admire. 

As pink turns brighter, eager to resemble our fire. 

Dedication. Remembrance. 

And sometimes we even find ourselves wondering "why stick to the grind like this?" 

There's something inside us that grows more, with each passing day. 

Death whether it be, or passion quite possibly. 

It never stops. It never ends. 

The pot only thickens. And we beg for answers. 

And we beg for answers...

For questions, we don't even know how to ask.

Questions we have yet to ask. 

The spirits have crowned, they've risen & the early morning haze has finally been drowned. 

Some ashes fall from smoke, some smiles born of frowns. 

And it's like we never even knew where or when we started. 

But the moon must come back, and our sun shall wave goodbye. 

As our spirits come down, but the tension stays up. 

It's the end we think we see, despite all around us...there's evident beauty. 

Even in the darkest forest may you find even a speck of light. 

For, could we know one without the other? 

But the cycle continues; mindless distractions keep us busy. 

Much too occupied to stop, look around, stop calculating, just see. 

And the sun rises again. For a new picture has begun. 

Father

I've found myself growing more and more obsessed with astrology. I should really delve into the history of how it came to be. Cosmic and philosophical things are so endlessly intriguing! I've been sitting on the idea for quite awhile now, and my conclusion is that being born at such a weird time in the zodiac is what attracts me to learning even more about it all. There's not much genuine information out there about cusp signs. But then again, does the cusp even truly matter? Does any of it really matter? That's not even a slight taste of the things that cross my mind when I'm knee-deep in information about the topic.

There's been a whirlwind of things going on in my life, like usual. And that's to say the least! I've been slacking on balancing my energy, and it's definitely shown. An ugly side of me comes to life when I don't find time to pull myself together and calm down. It's a wonder I finally realized it before I danced my way off the deep end yet again!

Tomorrow is a day that I've been waiting on for damn near 6 years. And I can already feel the uneasy air of it all creeping into me. Funny, because I've been catching myself growing more antsy, slightly more insufferable as the date has creeped up on me. My father is to be released from prison for a crime that he did not commit.

Limerence

My desire grows strong, my resistance weak.

It’s a home in your heart, I continue to seek.

My spirit aligned, perfectly with yours.

And everything around us to be seen in a new light.

A new light because together, our aura burns bright.

Our breaths rhythmic, and our steps in sync.

Because when I close my eyes, you’re all I see.

A friend, a companion, someone to scare the hell out of me.

With your wit and your charm, I’ll find serenity.

In your deep-seated optimism, I’ll find a hero.

And it is in your eyes that I’ll always find me. 

Earth?

I constantly feel mind-blown by the capabilities of the human mind. It’s so perplex, so confusing…and yet so intriguing! Sometimes, it really makes me think…it’s just so intricate that perhaps there really is a creator. 

I just wish there were something concrete to let me know what to think.

See

The inspiration fades 

And then, I’ll watch it glow

It comes in many phases 

I pray for today, I strike gold.

And as I look to our sky, this it gives me:

Faith 

Nothing 

Glory 

Something

What I needed is inside of us all

The faith, the nothing, the glory, and our fall. 

What we need is something we’re on the brink of 

It’s something right in front of us…the chain we’re all linked from.

The Road Ahead

Do you ever watch a makeup tutorial and feel painfully lame because you couldn't possibly duplicate what you've just witnessed? Or how about when you read a recipe for something and your attempt to change up the kind of cookies you make results in your family practically banishing you from a kitchen?

Surely I can't be the only one out there that fails like this! 

Actually, I'm slowly becoming the family chef, but I'll admit: makeup can be a real hit or miss for me. (Seriously, it either comes out dull or vibrant! Still looking for that perfect way to pull off something noticeable yet subtle...) 

Anyways, so it turns out that this blogging thing has been no walk in the park so far. Seriously, I haven't even been back that long and I have more drafts than actual posts! I think one of my biggest issues with writing is that one minute I can't come up with any interesting material when suddenly BOOM - I'm drowning in brilliant ideas! Some of them have absolutely nothing to do with each other, and I guess it's because I couldn't possibly string them together that I wind up never coming back to said drafts.

It's a vicious cycle really, but I think I'm getting better at combating it, so hooray for me one-upping myself!

It's amazing, we aren't even halfway into this year, and so much is already going on. Am I the only one who feels like this? I'd love to hear what other people have been up to that's different from last year's events, or where you're at mentally.

It's funny, I never thought that half-assed "New Year's resolution" I came up with would actually go as far as it has! I told myself that I would try to be more optimistic and less high strung about things, and somehow it's been going better for me than I ever could have imagined, and this is coming from someone who was suspended because I "needed time to cool off"! And honestly, this year has been turning into one of the more difficult ones, and unfortunately I've experienced some ugly things.
If anyone else is going through something, I'm with you. I'm not particularly religious or anything, but my thoughts are always with whoever needs a shoulder to cry on.

I think the most important thing I've gotten out of this year so far is that sometimes we really are our own biggest obstacle. Overcoming the negative part of me while also taking the part of me that wants to experience EVERYTHING in the world with a grain of salt has given me pretty grand results. And even though everything isn't perfect now, something tells me that where I want to be in life will get here that much quicker so long as I'm at least attempting to give myself a chance.

So that makeup tutorial that I'm trying to nail - one day I'll get there! ...I hope.

By the way, feel free to send me YouTube links to people that work well for you guys! I'll definitely take all the help I can get on this one ;)