See

The inspiration fades 

And then, I’ll watch it glow

It comes in many phases 

I pray for today, I strike gold.

And as I look to our sky, this it gives me:

Faith 

Nothing 

Glory 

Something

What I needed is inside of us all

The faith, the nothing, the glory, and our fall. 

What we need is something we’re on the brink of 

It’s something right in front of us…the chain we’re all linked from.

The Road Ahead

Do you ever watch a makeup tutorial and feel painfully lame because you couldn't possibly duplicate what you've just witnessed? Or how about when you read a recipe for something and your attempt to change up the kind of cookies you make results in your family practically banishing you from a kitchen?

Surely I can't be the only one out there that fails like this! 

Actually, I'm slowly becoming the family chef, but I'll admit: makeup can be a real hit or miss for me. (Seriously, it either comes out dull or vibrant! Still looking for that perfect way to pull off something noticeable yet subtle...) 

Anyways, so it turns out that this blogging thing has been no walk in the park so far. Seriously, I haven't even been back that long and I have more drafts than actual posts! I think one of my biggest issues with writing is that one minute I can't come up with any interesting material when suddenly BOOM - I'm drowning in brilliant ideas! Some of them have absolutely nothing to do with each other, and I guess it's because I couldn't possibly string them together that I wind up never coming back to said drafts.

It's a vicious cycle really, but I think I'm getting better at combating it, so hooray for me one-upping myself!

It's amazing, we aren't even halfway into this year, and so much is already going on. Am I the only one who feels like this? I'd love to hear what other people have been up to that's different from last year's events, or where you're at mentally.

It's funny, I never thought that half-assed "New Year's resolution" I came up with would actually go as far as it has! I told myself that I would try to be more optimistic and less high strung about things, and somehow it's been going better for me than I ever could have imagined, and this is coming from someone who was suspended because I "needed time to cool off"! And honestly, this year has been turning into one of the more difficult ones, and unfortunately I've experienced some ugly things.
If anyone else is going through something, I'm with you. I'm not particularly religious or anything, but my thoughts are always with whoever needs a shoulder to cry on.

I think the most important thing I've gotten out of this year so far is that sometimes we really are our own biggest obstacle. Overcoming the negative part of me while also taking the part of me that wants to experience EVERYTHING in the world with a grain of salt has given me pretty grand results. And even though everything isn't perfect now, something tells me that where I want to be in life will get here that much quicker so long as I'm at least attempting to give myself a chance.

So that makeup tutorial that I'm trying to nail - one day I'll get there! ...I hope.

By the way, feel free to send me YouTube links to people that work well for you guys! I'll definitely take all the help I can get on this one ;)

That Wicked Web

Sometimes I feel like I'm in love.


My god-brother is supposed to be coming to visit today. We'll get high, talk video games & music, and probably nitpick at each other like we always have.
Well, the smoking together will be a first. But the nitpicking is what we're most common for.

We didn't always start out like that. When I was a small child, I had almost a god-like admiration for him that lasted up until I was around 7. I didn't understand the weight of his stoner ways, but he was sweet, soft-spoken, and he took my brothers and I trick-or-treating every year, which was never a bore.

Needless to say, he's fucking awesome.

And I'm frantic.

I don't know why the nitpicking started. Perhaps I was developing a crush early-on, or maybe it was a result of his tendency to be a condescending semi-self-righteous know it all.

Did I mention how likable he makes all of those things? Oh hell, and how sometimes it makes my heart flutter in what feels like it should be the most unromantic way possible. And alas, that's probably what draws me closer to him. Even as a kid I found myself feeling like he made me regret being a female. The inner conflict of what I feel for him and the nonsense that we say to each other has always made even a simpler part of my life feel a little bit like hell.

It's one of those things that even our moms joke about now when they see us going at. And I weep to myself at my inconceivable web of fantasy..."How horrifying cliche, and yet a tiny bit gratifying."

Sometimes, I get so fixated on a random person in my life to the point where I trick myself into thinking they're what I need. I think it's mostly my infatuation with the idea of it. Also, I'm a writer of multiple muses, so it's only natural that I don't often feel any real attachment to just one person. Or at least, that's how all the greats have lived out their lives.
Besides that, I don't usually feel like anyone's good enough because I'm so withdrawn & I was once so insecure. It was pitiful.


But honestly...I adore the feeling. The high I get when I've tricked myself yet again. And that is what fuels my desire to truly fall for someone. Like all humans, my lascivious ways can consume me at more times than others. And I think that it may be fueled by loneliness.

But that's for another day ;)

So basically I'm nearing the point where I think that I'm in love with my god-brother but I'm factually speaking probably not. And my sometimes affections for him are fueled by a confusing child and now, that minuscule desire in the back of my mind about wanting to fuck him senseless has manifested into something strange, a little beyond my control, and somewhere despite the inner feelings of lowness and disgust...my own delight.

Trance

Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Sinking, sinking, sinking.
Is this where it ends for me, in this light?
I tried to be okay. I thought I'd be alright.

I don't know what's happening. Nobody would listen.
And now alone I'm stranded...so I rebuild from there.

On The Horizon.

I can feel the changes. 

They’re finally settling in. 

As gray skies transition to peach, 
I recognize my inhibitions, finally free.



(Sometimes I write poems.)

Toes

"An Open Window?

Hello there world of Blogger. Name's Karenn & j'ai seize ans. (no, I did not use google translate.)

This is my first time ever actually considering a blog honestly, so forgive me if I suck at it. But i'm trying.

My life is no ballad or tragedy, but it's no fucking fairy tale either. It is what it is. Sometimes I may try to jazz up my experiences a little bit with some random thoughts just for you, the reader's sheer amusement.

My mind moves like a racetrack, so I hope you can keep up.

I wonder if anyone's actually reading this. I've read fictional stories about teens whose blogs are actually read & even commented on. I wonder if that may happen to me, here in the nonfictional world! That'd be kind of rad in my opinion. But if it doesn't happen, I am content with that as well.

Besides, why would someone want to read about another when they already have enough on their plate, right?

That's not how I see things but there's people like that out there and I'm content with that as well.

Oh, I'm not going to feed off of whoever reads this' attention. I would just like to find a site where I can kind of vent away my hardships in secrecy. Honestly, there's a few things I like to shy away from with my friends (which I don't have a lot of).

But please do not fear, one of my biggest fears is that I appear as a whiny bitch who'd rather complain about her problems all day, rather than take some initiative to actually try and make a difference in this world. Because that's what I would like to do. I want to make a difference. I want change (but that's for another blog I suppose).

Anywho, I suppose if anyone has bore through this for this long, perhaps I have some spunk? Or maybe you're just bored this weekend as am I.

Well, I suppose that's all for now blogger. Hopefully I will return!
punketterocker at 5:14 PM"


HA HA. How awkward and impassive was I? It's hard to believe that that's what I was like during my senior year of high school. Try to be kind though, I was only 16. I didn't know what the hell I was getting myself into with the world.

Shit, I still don't. But then again, does anyone?

My name isn't Karenn, that's just something I tell people to ward Internet creeps. (I mean c'mon, 'Karenn' with two n's? I wouldn't have believed me for a second.)

It's surreal to believe and measure my growth since high school. The places I've gone since then, the friends I no longer talk to, all the errors of my ways that I now recognize sort of held me back during high school. And part of college, too.

Can you just imagine, going through your awkward teen years as you're surrounded by nothing but adults that act like a giant episode of Hey Arnold meets Jersey Shore? Oh, the horrors! (Actually, it wasn't that bad. I always wind up imagining things being more painful than what they truly were, after I've finished experiencing it.) Looking back on every high school photo I took, I can't help but think each time "Was I really wearing that? Gosh, why did no one shoot me?!"

To be fair though, I still wind up asking myself that same question now when I think about the tragedy that I put on the previous day. I've just never been that great at clothes. But between my horrid love for oversized band tees and fluctuating weight a few years ago, surely I didn't expect myself to look like Kate Moss; right? Wrong because I'm a stereotypical woman & I always want to look my best, even at my absolute worse.

It's amazing, the games we can get our minds to play on us, and without even realizing it! Hell, as I type this I imagine myself saying all of this to a room of admiring middle-aged women with cocktails while I sound off like a replacement Seinfeld.

I guess I'm starting to get to the point where you wonder where the hell it is that I'm going with all of this (and if not, tell me what's wrong with you).

If you haven't completely gotten a feel for what kind of shenanigans I have the potential to introduce into your world from this monologue, then you're exactly the kind of audience that I was targeting! Congratulations! You've given me a sense of recognition and I would like to take you out for a bomb ass night on the town.

Truth is, I don't completely know what kind of phenomenon this will turn into for me personally, but I guess that's what would make it all the more alluring. Everything's so unpredictable, while it scares the hell out of me most days, every once in awhile I reach that cheesy philosophical epiphany that each day guarantees something unexpected and tragic for us, or the opposite around; and I figure that those unforeseen, untapped good experiences are all worth me waking up for.

And hell, I'm still waiting for some of those experiences to catch up to me! But until they do, I suppose all the adversities in between make this all a little more interesting. It wouldn't be my life without the soul-crushing day every once in awhile.

Besides, at least it all gives me something to write about ;)