I've found myself growing more and more obsessed with astrology. I should really delve into the history of how it came to be. Cosmic and philosophical things are so endlessly intriguing! I've been sitting on the idea for quite awhile now, and my conclusion is that being born at such a weird time in the zodiac is what attracts me to learning even more about it all. There's not much genuine information out there about cusp signs. But then again, does the cusp even truly matter? Does any of it really matter? That's not even a slight taste of the things that cross my mind when I'm knee-deep in information about the topic.
There's been a whirlwind of things going on in my life, like usual. And that's to say the least! I've been slacking on balancing my energy, and it's definitely shown. An ugly side of me comes to life when I don't find time to pull myself together and calm down. It's a wonder I finally realized it before I danced my way off the deep end yet again!
Tomorrow is a day that I've been waiting on for damn near 6 years. And I can already feel the uneasy air of it all creeping into me. Funny, because I've been catching myself growing more antsy, slightly more insufferable as the date has creeped up on me. My father is to be released from prison for a crime that he did not commit.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
That Wicked Web
Sometimes I feel like I'm in love.
My god-brother is supposed to be coming to visit today. We'll get high, talk video games & music, and probably nitpick at each other like we always have.
Well, the smoking together will be a first. But the nitpicking is what we're most common for.
We didn't always start out like that. When I was a small child, I had almost a god-like admiration for him that lasted up until I was around 7. I didn't understand the weight of his stoner ways, but he was sweet, soft-spoken, and he took my brothers and I trick-or-treating every year, which was never a bore.
Needless to say, he's fucking awesome.
And I'm frantic.
I don't know why the nitpicking started. Perhaps I was developing a crush early-on, or maybe it was a result of his tendency to be a condescending semi-self-righteous know it all.
Did I mention how likable he makes all of those things? Oh hell, and how sometimes it makes my heart flutter in what feels like it should be the most unromantic way possible. And alas, that's probably what draws me closer to him. Even as a kid I found myself feeling like he made me regret being a female. The inner conflict of what I feel for him and the nonsense that we say to each other has always made even a simpler part of my life feel a little bit like hell.
It's one of those things that even our moms joke about now when they see us going at. And I weep to myself at my inconceivable web of fantasy..."How horrifying cliche, and yet a tiny bit gratifying."
Sometimes, I get so fixated on a random person in my life to the point where I trick myself into thinking they're what I need. I think it's mostly my infatuation with the idea of it. Also, I'm a writer of multiple muses, so it's only natural that I don't often feel any real attachment to just one person. Or at least, that's how all the greats have lived out their lives.
Besides that, I don't usually feel like anyone's good enough because I'm so withdrawn & I was once so insecure. It was pitiful.
But honestly...I adore the feeling. The high I get when I've tricked myself yet again. And that is what fuels my desire to truly fall for someone. Like all humans, my lascivious ways can consume me at more times than others. And I think that it may be fueled by loneliness.
But that's for another day ;)
So basically I'm nearing the point where I think that I'm in love with my god-brother but I'm factually speaking probably not. And my sometimes affections for him are fueled by a confusing child and now, that minuscule desire in the back of my mind about wanting to fuck him senseless has manifested into something strange, a little beyond my control, and somewhere despite the inner feelings of lowness and disgust...my own delight.
My god-brother is supposed to be coming to visit today. We'll get high, talk video games & music, and probably nitpick at each other like we always have.
Well, the smoking together will be a first. But the nitpicking is what we're most common for.
We didn't always start out like that. When I was a small child, I had almost a god-like admiration for him that lasted up until I was around 7. I didn't understand the weight of his stoner ways, but he was sweet, soft-spoken, and he took my brothers and I trick-or-treating every year, which was never a bore.
Needless to say, he's fucking awesome.
And I'm frantic.
I don't know why the nitpicking started. Perhaps I was developing a crush early-on, or maybe it was a result of his tendency to be a condescending semi-self-righteous know it all.
Did I mention how likable he makes all of those things? Oh hell, and how sometimes it makes my heart flutter in what feels like it should be the most unromantic way possible. And alas, that's probably what draws me closer to him. Even as a kid I found myself feeling like he made me regret being a female. The inner conflict of what I feel for him and the nonsense that we say to each other has always made even a simpler part of my life feel a little bit like hell.
It's one of those things that even our moms joke about now when they see us going at. And I weep to myself at my inconceivable web of fantasy..."How horrifying cliche, and yet a tiny bit gratifying."
Sometimes, I get so fixated on a random person in my life to the point where I trick myself into thinking they're what I need. I think it's mostly my infatuation with the idea of it. Also, I'm a writer of multiple muses, so it's only natural that I don't often feel any real attachment to just one person. Or at least, that's how all the greats have lived out their lives.
Besides that, I don't usually feel like anyone's good enough because I'm so withdrawn & I was once so insecure. It was pitiful.
But honestly...I adore the feeling. The high I get when I've tricked myself yet again. And that is what fuels my desire to truly fall for someone. Like all humans, my lascivious ways can consume me at more times than others. And I think that it may be fueled by loneliness.
But that's for another day ;)
So basically I'm nearing the point where I think that I'm in love with my god-brother but I'm factually speaking probably not. And my sometimes affections for him are fueled by a confusing child and now, that minuscule desire in the back of my mind about wanting to fuck him senseless has manifested into something strange, a little beyond my control, and somewhere despite the inner feelings of lowness and disgust...my own delight.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Trance
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Sinking, sinking, sinking.
Is this where it ends for me, in this light?
I tried to be okay. I thought I'd be alright.
I don't know what's happening. Nobody would listen.
And now alone I'm stranded...so I rebuild from there.
Sinking, sinking, sinking.
Is this where it ends for me, in this light?
I tried to be okay. I thought I'd be alright.
I don't know what's happening. Nobody would listen.
And now alone I'm stranded...so I rebuild from there.
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